22.10.12

Morning Drizzle

by tiqu

A cup of coffee, a sheet of paper and a guitar. With a rainy weather outside, and damp cold air, I feel like hiding under the blankets until next morn. I woke up early this morning to workout. I feel like I'm building fat on my tummy and thighs, and even though I love my bottom part even more now, I'd like to lose on the tummy. My tank tops would look horrible on me this way. 

My roommate woke up half an hour later, and she went straight to the bathroom to shower. When she finished, I went to shower. When I finished, I went straight to the kitchen to make coffee whilst she was already set for work. I have to admit I was purposely trying to avoid her. I don't hate her, I just hate small talks early in the morning. 

After that, here I am in this position right now, my coffee mug half empty and this guitar in my hands. I scribbled a few notes on the sheet of paper. Music notes. Actually I can't read musical notes. They're just random notes because I feel quite melodramatic at the moment. It would be cool if I could actually read and write in musical language. But anyway, I have this tune in mind.

I am in such a peaceful position right now. I can think clearly, I can sort out things and make decisions for matters I have left untouched since the past few days. I wish I was the systematic type of person like my roommate. All my work and notes in a file, arranged neatly on the shelves. I keep track of all the important events and due dates and prioritize the important things. Sadly for me, that would most probably happen in another world or something. 

My shelves have all sorts of things on it jumbled up among each other. Files are simply  a part of an empty decoration. I always lose my phone and keys. I can't even describe how hectic my life usually is. They're everywhere. As I stare outside the window overlooking the down-pouring rain, I felt that I really needed this. 

"I had a talk with dad."

"We want to see you succeed in life."

"I know it's hard, but only once is enough."

"You just have to try a little harder."

This was a one-way conversation between me and my mother last week. My reply was a smile that meant nothing. I was feeling a bit sad, and that smile was supposed to hide it. It was also supposed to stop my tears from streaming. It succeeded in the latter, but I don't know if it camouflaged the grey clouds all over my head well enough. 

Because I just smiled, there was an awkward silence. I left the room, pretending I had other work to do, and locked myself in my room. I cried a bit in there, but then took out an album of my favourite band and played it on maximum volume through my IEM earphones. At least that made me happy. 

I guess even when you think you did all you can, there's always more to that "all you can" phrase. There's always an "all you can" times 100 that you have yet explored. I can't start blaming other people for my failures, for being so messy and unorganized, and for choosing a path I THINK is best for me. 

And then this question came into my head.

"Why don't I just try to prove, only once, that I actually can?"

I didn't realize I had spent the whole morning staring out the window, and that the rain had already stopped, until my roommate returned. I smiled at her as she looked at me wonderingly, and I asked;

"How was your day?"

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